You Haven't Made a Mistake, You're Just Deschooling (and you're not alone!)
It's 11am on Monday morning and your child is still in their pajamas building with lego bricks on the rug. They haven't sat down for any lessons yet and any time you hint at getting started, they shrug their shoulders and keep on building.
You made the big decision to pull your child out of school. They now attend a learning cooperative where three days a week they're busy, productive, and enjoying themselves. But when they're at home for the other four days, it feels like nothing really gets done and time is dragging on.
Are they checking out? Should you be doing something more? Are they going to fall behind? How are you supposed to teach them what they need to know if you can't even get them off the rug?
The thoughts unsettle you. Your child reacts negatively to your stress. But what you're seeing isn't necessarily a problem that needs fixing. It's a very common transition period called Deschooling.
What is Deschooling?
Deschooling is what we call the process of families shifting out of traditional school systems, public or private, and into the realm of homeschooling. Making this move isn't as simple as turning a switch on or off. It requires parents and children to unlearn a lot of the standard structures and measures they've grown up with, and rewire new ideas about what they want learning to look like at home.
This process takes tiiiime. Time to come to terms with what you've let go, and time to figure out where you want this new path to take you. And it's going to look different for every family.
Some children will miss the friends they've always shared classes with.
Others may grieve beloved routines with favorite teachers.
Some children may feel burnt out and need genuine rest and recovery before being introduced to new things.
Others may feel excited and ready to tackle this new stage of life, right now!
Some children will feel anxious and unsure of who they are.
Others will easily write you a list of all the passions they want to start exploring.
Some children will adore getting to learn with their parents by their sides.
Others may take a while to truly see you as their "teacher" because up to this point, they've only ever known you as "mom".
On top of this come the adult fears, worries, and crippling doubts about whether or not homeschooling was even the right move.
What Deschooling Actually Needs
The good news is that deschooling isn't a mystery to solve, but a temporary stage to pass through. How you move through it will depend a lot on the age and stage of your child, how long they were in school for, and what they're struggling with as they transition.
Deschooling Ages 3-6:
What they need most:
lots of attention and affection from family
hands-on support in becoming more independent and capable.
playful learning with plenty of time outdoors to freely explore
active inclusion in life's everyday routines and happenings
How to support them:
say "yes" to them helping with everyday tasks, even if it means moving a little slower sometimes.
follow their lead when exploring and dig into what fascinates them
read and share stories daily
Deschooling Ages 7-9:
What they need most:
permission to be bored, with dedicated time and space to freely explore new interests
screen-free alternatives that spark curiosity, engagement, and unstructured play
help setting new routines for daily life and responsibilities
values-based character and identity building
How to support them:
resist the urge to schedule every minute of every day
stock the house with easy access, open-ended, screen-free materials (tools, art supplies, crafting items, robot kits, lego bricks, card and board games, curious collections, books, books, and more books!)
use visual reminders to help build daily routines and systems for life
Deschooling Ages 10-13:
What they need most:
a real say in which subjects/passion projects they would like to include with their core academic learning
opportunities to socialize and learn with others (it could be through co-ops, sports, clubs, halaqahs, and more!)
less emphasis on grades as a measure of success, and more focus on applying themselves to their learning with true curiosity and quality efforts.
How to support them:
find a class or program that can fill their personal interest bucket
meet up with homeschooling families who have similarly aged children
keep work samples so they and you can see how truly far they've come over time
Deschooling Ages 13-17:
What they need most:
help building important life skills, mindsets, and functional frameworks for adulthood
room to make mistakes and learn from them without harsh judgments and criticisms
active recognition of individual growth and progress, no matter how big or small
a range of options where they can apply their unique skills, interests, and personality to the benefit of the community
role models and parents who take a genuine interest in their inner world, and offer loving support with honest feedback
How to support them:
allow natural consequences to play out before you step in with solutions
really listen to your teens and ask about their inner world regularly
have deep and honest discussions about what "success" looks like, and all the many ways that one can get there
celebrate their wins and try to avoid the comparison trap
Deschooling Yourself
The greatest help you can give your child during the transition from school to homeschool is to work on deschooling yourself. While your child unlearns the structures and routines that schools taught them, you can unlearn the ideas that schools taught you about what it means to learn and what it means to teach.
Like most parents today, you probably spent your whole life in traditional schools where you were taught that learning could only be measured by the amount of worksheets completed or the scores received on a standardized test. You may believe true learning means covering 6 subjects a day in succession, day in and day out. Or that if you aren't sitting down to learn for 6 hours a day, you're not being productive enough. You might think that your child isn't learning at all if they move a little slower in some areas than their friends in school. And somewhere in the back of your mind, you may even believe that you simply aren't qualified to take on this role.
You're not alone in these thoughts. Almost every homeschooling parent carries some version of them around. But just because you think them doesn't make them true. It just means you're still used to seeing education from the perspective of a system that no longer applies to the journey that you've chosen. You can give yourself permission to let these old ideas go.
The truth is, a lot of the learning and connections that happen for children cannot be measured on paper. They cannot be quantified and scored. And now that you are in charge of your child's education, you get to decide what that education will look like and why. You also get to enjoy watching your child grow at their own pace and in their own way, with you by their side.
Through it all,
you're allowed to feel unsure
you're allowed to take your time
you're allowed to make mistakes and learn from them
you're allowed to seek help from other homeschooling families who've already navigated and moved beyond the ages and stages that you're currently struggling with
What you'll need most along the way:
loving support from friends and family while you find the balance that works for you
time and space to educate yourself about the many approaches to learning you can take at home
the ability to see yourself as more of a facilitator and coach, rather than a traditional teacher or principal
patience for yourself and your children as you find your footing and make this journey your own
a village of like-minded families to homeschool with (enter co-op!)
None of this makes you unqualified to homeschool your child. It just makes you a parent who is learning and growing alongside your child.